From the Chair #3

Been two months and two days since I’ve posted. Not cause I didn’t want to mainly just cause I really didn’t have anything in depth to say. Since my last post everything has stayed relatively status quo.

The mental side of things keep throwing me for a loop but thats nothing new. Treatment is treatment. It seems to change day to day week to week depending what the rest of my body/metal state/sleep patterns are doing.

“never give up”

Since my last post I’ve had an immeasurable amount of chemo, needle pricks, lectures, x-rays, scans, tests, lectures… Since my last post nothing has particularly improved.

So I guess things haven’t actually stayed “status quo”, that infers that nothing has changed. My seizures are something that I’m starting to battle on a semi-weekly basis. Yesterday I was out walking, as I do to try and deal and process and I started to feel that light off kilter spinning feeling. I knew I had to do something quickly so I took my medication and had my ice water with me, lay down and shut my eyes, plugged into my white noise track on my ipod and next thing I knew it was hours later and I was in the emergency room. Friends were not happy with me… especially because they didn’t find out about this til a few hours ago.

In the chair today I am:

• Just going with it, I dont feel like I have any energy to fight any more but a little knot in my stomach feels to squirmy to let me get up an go. Its the same little knot that gets excited to race and hates losing board games and makes laser tag so unfun… Basically my much to competitive streak lives in a little knot in my stomach.
• I am not in the chair actually getting chemo today – I am sitting in a waiting room waiting to see if I can be squeezed in to see the speciallist I don’t actually have an appointment with… I’m hoping there’s something to be said about persistance
• Today I am actually feeling okay.
• Feeling pretty loved

🙂

Well, fuck.

Long long day. But it was good – I suppose. Parts.

With the new change in routine and the new drugs and fun and stuff, they’ve been doing a lot of testing and digging around in me. It almost feels hostile, like they’re looking for a reason to not continue.

And today they found a reason. But its only one piece of the puzzle. One factor that is influenced by many things. Basically in simple terms there is a problem with my liver, it’s much more damaged then they were expecting based on the last tests they did. Not a problem though – just means we’ve got to go back to the drawing board and shuffle a few things (aka. everything) around to make it all work. It’ll work.

4 days til my birthday. Ya, its a big deal to me… You spend your 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th birthdays in the hospital being told you wont make it to the next one and see how easy it is to get caught up in the realisation that circling the sun one more time is a big deal. And like they kept telling me years ago – this one might actually be my last one since I’m going though my last rounds of treatment… 22. Its a good one to go out on.

From the Chair #2

Today I am:

• going to let myself feel worth it all, accept love and care
• not going to let all the little things get me down. My heart is still beating my breath is still deep, I am still strong.
• going to laugh and smile for no reason
• going to tell people I am good and say it with honesty. Because I am still strong – and “fake it til you make it” is still a thing and I want to truly feel good again.
• giving myself permission to forget all the friends that came before me and didn’t make it through. This is my fight and while I will always cherish them their battles, victories and losses do not influence mine.

Ya, yeah. I know its misspelled – Believing. I like it anyways.

My heart is still beating (despite the fact it refuses to beat at a rate appropriate for waking hours)… it’s still beating and my lungs are still working. I am still strong, and I am worth something. At least to me, I am worth something.

From the Chair #1

First post actually from my lovely comfortable chemo chair. Well, it might be lovely and comfortable say if it was in front of a TV like Joey and Chandler’s…

But unfortunately being in it means I have toxic little streams running into my veins so all the positives of the chair are kinda lost… Slept a little outside. I think I might be slightly sunburnt now though. Sun kissed at least – But I’m adding it to my list of positives from today. 🙂

My list today includes:

1. Finding a spot outside out of the breeze and in the warm sun to nap
2. Actually napping!
3. Between appointments getting to edit and post all my pictures from today
4. Finding out the facebook page I help manage is only a few hits away from breaking 10,000
5. Finishing 3 assignments (although I did those last night when I couldn’t sleep…still counting them though!)

Things I’m going to work on:

1. Not fretting about people around me. They either want to be there or they dont so just going to keep trekking along and see if they keep trekking along with me. 
2. That said, going to try and be more open to people being around… and not being scared of having them there.

Going to need some luck or just sheer will power to get out of my head for the last two. I think we’ll call today a good day.