April 5th was my last post – and the second last thing I said 13 days ago was I wanted to find an even keel. Solid ground. Definitely did not do that. Nope. But I made it another week and a half. Didn’t do it gracefully by any means but did it all the same.
Yup. More then accurate.
I think this past week (and a half) the hardest thing to accept was that maybe, just maybe, people care. That possibly I’m not so crazy and there’s actually someone who’s willing to endure this with me. Or at least listen to every situation and promise to never walk away even when things get so overwhelming that I can’t deal with it in a healthy, or productive way. Why would they want to put themselves in this situation, where I can’t promise not to hurt myself let alone them? Where I can’t think straight and just need to hurt? And how can they think all this is strong? How can I be someone they want to hang out with or help when all I can think of myself is that I’m pathetic for not being able to endure this better? And what about when this is all over, if it’s ever all over, will they still be around then? Or are they just being the incredible human beings they are, by helping an acquaintance when she’s low, and needs it? Or maybe its simpler then all that and they really just are my friends, and so many of them don’t know how they’ve helped me get through every single day.
There are so many people I should tell this too. Just so they know. From the person who’ll sit in a park on my lowest nights, to the person who’ll never let me feel sorry for myself, to the person who goes out of his way to make sure I have a reason to smile. I wish I could just ask – “am I someone you genuinely want to know, are we genuinely close, or am I just someone you feel the need to take care of because you’re amazing?”…
In the Chemo Chair 