Tired

3 days without sleep.

Drifted off here and there for 2o minutes or so sitting waiting around for appointments but every time I wake up more exhausted, and every night I still cant sleep. Spent last night at the hospital again. Two nights ago they gave me a triple dose of sleeping potion and it didn’t work. Something about my body metabolizing drugs to fast – to tired to remember what they said exactly. Today have spent all day here and still havent been able to sleep. Think I drifted off in the MRI.. They kept waking me up though telling me to stop moving.

Everything hurts more then normal, feels like my joints are full of cement. It feels like my skin is made up of a million nerve endings and even the needles that dont normally bug me pinch and sting.

Everything is beautiful today though. Its gorgeous here – there’s not a cloud in the sky. Heading out now before chemo to go lie in the garden. Maybe fall asleep there in the warm sunshine.

Its really gorgeous here today.

Insomnia

Sleep shouldn’t be this hard. There’s no reason for it to hurt this much or be this painful. In closing my eyes I panic, my heart races out of control, and my thoughts spiral down to a place I hate going.

Every night I delay closing my eyes as long as possible. I go to my park on 25th and sit for a while. Sometimes thats just the start. I collect my thoughts and then walk. Sometimes thats the end destination. I can stay there until the clouds start to lighten and until all of a sudden closing my eyes isn’t so hard, isn’t so scary.

Tonight I came home from my park early. I start this instead. I bring my computer over to my desk and I panic. I cant think straight and I cant breath right because I start thinking about “what if I cant do this?”, “what if I cant beat this”. I cant deal with the emptiness of night – how am I going to deal with the monotony of a coffin and the nothingness of that?

I think I’m scared of that…