Well, “long week” just doesn’t have the same ring as “long weekend”. The latter is much more enjoyable. It’s been a really weird week too – very up and very down. It’s never really stabilized or evened out and while I guess I have to say I’m grateful for the ups, I never would have gotten through the week with out them, I know I’d’ve preferred a little less turmoil.
I suppose the week really started where my last post ended…I was so tired. And I walk a lot at night. Just wander – some nights it helps me clear my head. Some nights it helps me remember. That night I just wanted to forget. I was so so tired and I just wanted to sleep so I could deal with it in the morning. So I lay down and made a stupid choice, probably close to one of the dumbest things I’ve ever done. I think I was maybe lucky that help came by when it did but for my decision I spent 48 hours in an evaluation psych ward. But I got to talk to a good friend when they called. Made me feel a little less awful, still feel pretty pathetic though. The thought of going home wasn’t one I relished so I tried my hand at rallying and 10 of my teammates came over and we made an easter monday breakfast (although at that point it was like 2pm…). That was a high high.
Spent the rest of the week not sleeping and on and off in the psych ward of the hospital just trying to get my head back in a safe place or just trying to get some rest. It all culminated in a late night remembering way to much, feeling way to much, and just being overwhelmed by all the little things that broke out of the little boxes I’d crammed them into. Scary night.
I ‘fall down’ a lot and I can normally always pick myself up. I’m good at picking myself up. I dont think people realise this… I’ve been fighting for a long time and a long time alone so I know how to do it. When I fall down people dont notice because I try very hard not to let them – it’s part of getting up again. Fake it til you make it, right? When you fall down just pretend you’re still up and speeding along like normal and eventually you’ll be right back up again….
This is getting ramble-y…
This week I fell in a really bad hole. And I tried to deal with it myself and that landed me in the hospital, then for the first time I called for help and after that, when I know I should have got to get professional help, I talked my way out of it. I called because I wanted someone to just take me. I didn’t want to do it alone and I didn’t want to have the choice to fight. I just needed someone to tell me how to do it. But I couldn’t go because to many people died there – and a friend, I didn’t know her well, just from sitting across from her chemo chair a for a few months, was in a bad way and they didn’t think she was going to make it through the night. She didn’t. I knew I couldn’t’ be near the hospital for that. I’m glad I wasn’t.
The day after that I won an award for all the work I’ve done this year for my team and now I’m in sunny california playing the supporting role while my team mates race. It’s a weird mix of amazing and a lonely and it’s odd not having a crew. You’re definitely closer to your crew then you are to anyone else while in season. And just a little while ago I was accepted to a pretty prestigious masters program…
As someone else put it – from the outside looking in my life’s pretty perfect. Pretty fucking perfect.
Things for this week:
- Try to get everything moving on an even keel
- Try to remember that no matter what someone will always care, and not everyone will tire and leave.
In the Chemo Chair 